more of nothing

My sweet lover has reassured me several times that he will be fine if I decide to stop attending church. Somehow, his kindness and acceptance of my disaffection really contributes to my continuing attendance. He has just been called as the first counselor in the Elder’s quorum presidency, but he spoke to me before accepting the call. He said he would refuse if it meant keeping me happy. Of course I told him to accept, as long as he thought it was the right thing to do, because who am I to say what’s right for him, when he’s so gracious about not telling me what’s right for me?

I love it that he has his beliefs, and that he doesn’t try to tell others they need to believe the same way, nor does he even seem to believe that there’s one right way to believe. One of my main problems with the church, indeed with religion in general, is that each group claims to have the right way, yet each is slightly different from the next. They all claim to have visitations and/or feelings from God, but each has a different view or understanding of that God. They each need to convert others to their way, they each grow up believing what their parents told them, they each try to weed out any differing viewpoints, to crush any dissent.

From where I’m sitting right now, it sure seems like humans are hard-wired to believe and trust their relatives and their community, and that over time, they have created belief systems to explain phenomena that they don’t understand, and to give purpose to their rules. You may not tell your children tales of monsters, or threaten corporal punishment if they don’t obey you, but you probably know someone who does, or whose parents did it to them. Bill Cosby tells the (possibly fictional) story of his parents leaving him in a crib and warning that if he tried to escape, the venomous snakes on his bedroom floor would bite him. Some people still tell their kids that if they are ill-behaved, they will get no Christmas presents from Santa Claus.

This type of manipulation has been going on for centuries, and whether the original tellers of the tales actually believe them is beside the point. The younger generation believes them, and perpetuates them. How am I supposed to know which stories are true, which punishments and rewards are actually waiting for me? I’m well aware that there’s no jolly fat man waiting to hear how I behaved this year before deciding what treasures to deposit under a dead tree in my living room this winter. I don’t even remember ever believing that, though my 6 year old does, despite my proclamations otherwise. He also believes that Superman is married to my cousin, and that there are sharks in Utah Lake and dragons with lairs in Provo. He will argue those points, no matter what brand of logic I use to dissuade him.  Why should he not also believe that he needs Jesus to get him into heaven?

And if we really do need Jesus, why is it so important to believe something for which we have no proof? Does God expect us to show our allegiance through our blindness? Does he expect us to quash our logical minds, to really use different methods of thinking when making sense of nature or science that when contemplating our place in the universal scheme? Why should those things be different, separate? Why can’t we teach our children to be kind and good for the sake of being kind and good? Why do we need an eternal punishment to hang over their heads? Why do we need to teach them to disrespect other cultures, to disregard other belief systems, even to protect themselves against ever being turned to believe a different way than we do? This makes me very uncomfortable, but thinking about how I used to be makes me almost ill. I did my share of thinking anyone who didn’t believe like I did was ignorant or stupid, like they just hadn’t seen the light yet. I went across the world to preach to people that what they believed wasn’t good enough, wouldn’t get them into heaven. I judged people inwardly when they did things that manifested their lack of belief in the “only true” belief system.

I feel broken. I feel like my blinders have been broken. The world seems different to me, and I don’t know how to navigate it, especially since I’m the only one that got broken. Everyone else is still behaving like they did before, but I no longer understand their signals, or their motives. I’m cowering in the corner, terrified that the person offering the plate of food is really going to deliver poison.

p.s. When he was set apart in the EQ presidency, the men in the circle all took turns shaking my husband’s hand and congratulating him. I was disgusted. Even as I was giving them the benefit of the doubt, assuming they weren’t thinking about it in terms “moving up in the world,” I knew they weren’t thinking at all about the implication of those words.

30 July, 1998

Manila, Philippines

Boy, do I want a family, but I’m also very afraid of that. What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m too weak, or if I think I’m too weak? If I hadn’t come on a mission, I would never have thought I was weak.

Yeah, that was definitely before I had kids. I remember saying, when I spoke in church after I got home, that my mission was the hardest thing I would ever do. That gives me the giggles, in retrospect.

Not a cheesy Beatles song title

I desperately want someone to talk to. I need someone who doesn’t care a speck what decisions I make, what I believe, what I don’t believe. I need someone who can understand that pain doesn’t always have to be a means to an end, or a part of a journey. Sometimes it’s just pain, and sometimes nothing will take it away.

I have no one who isn’t emotionally invested in the outcome of my decisions, what ever they are. I have people of both sides, some cheer for this decision, some cheer for that one, the opposite of the first. How can there even be a right or wrong, when all the people I love have a different idea of them?

I desperately want someone to hear my complaints, without judging me, or trying to convince me of anything. I desperately want to be able to listen to someone without having to change my mind about something, or act in some way.

The Viewing

I had such a wonderful time at Grandpa’s funeral, with no kids to chase, and my whole family (minus one brother who couldn’t make it) to play with. We all crammed into the house on Cherry Lane, with some of us on the floor, some on couches. There was movie watching (Rubin and Ed) and Mexican cooking, and everybody waiting for Grandpa to come out of his bedroom and ask if anybody wanted any ice cream.

I had been very emotional about not getting to see Grandpa again, but those who were there said that he had woken one last time when they were discussing my plans to come the next day. In a very egocentric way, I love that he was excited to see me again, and that he responded to my name. The people who were present told him that I was trying my best to get there, and that I loved him. He died about an hour later, after slipping back into sleep.

My wonderful little brother sat with Grandpa for hours that day, holding his hand and listening to his breathing. He noticed the change, and called everyone in when it was time. After Grandpa died, and nobody knew what to do, my other younger brother went and built a fire in the fireplace because that’s what Grandpa always did when people came over, even if it was 80 degrees inside. My cousin wore one of Grandpa’s bolo ties to the funeral.

On Thursday night, we all went to the viewing. I knew we were going. We went straight from the airport to Provo. I was feeling terrible from the trip, so I had gone running. We had had dinner with the family, then headed to the mortuary together. I was happy to be with my family. Even my mom was there, and she and dad were talking (not something that happened often while they were married). Grandpa’s two living siblings were there, some neighbors came, and some of Grandpa’s second and third wives’ families came.

I was standing around with my brothers and cousins watching the slide show when I turned around and glimpsed the casket, which I hadn’t yet noticed. I was accosted with the realization that Grandpa was dead, and that his body, his shell, lay in the adjoining room. I saw the crown of his forehead, and his wispy white hair. Almost in a swoon, I fled outside to weep. Though I had known, intellectually, that I was at his viewing, I hadn’t processed the connection with him actually being there, to see. I was desperately sad.

I went back in with determination to face the mortal remains of my sweet Grandpa. As I stood over the casket, I noted his waxy, yellow-orange skin. His eyelids, wrinkled and painted, were no longer translucent, as I remembered them. His hands were folded, and they were familiar, yet foreign, their position and color contrived. His glasses seemed oddly large.

My youngest brother approached me silently. We stood for a moment, then moved into the other room, still with the casket in full view. We talked briefly about how the body there resembled our Grandpa, but wasn’t him. It was his leftovers. It was comforting to me to know that he wasn’t in there anymore. I have no firm beliefs about where Grandpa might be now, but I know he’s not in that aged, frail body anymore. As much as he enjoyed his life, Grandpa was ready to part with it.

blessings

While I was on my mission, my mom was preparing for her Master’s recital in vocal performance, and she kept getting sick. She had laryngitis, rashes, sleeplessness, bronchitis… She asked a family friend to giver her a priesthood blessing. He was in the process of leaving the church by that time, I think. He invited my non-member step-father, and his own disaffected wife to join him in laying hands on my mother’s head during the blessing.

When I received my mother’s letter describing this unorthodox blessing, I was shattered. I worried for the welfare of my mother’s soul. I feared her husband would never respect the church of its authority if it was so lightly given. I wrote a letter to her stake president, begging him to look after her and help her find her way back. I never heard back from that stake president, nor do I believe he ever checked up on my mom.

Looking back, with eyes of disillusionment, I think how lovely it was of our friend to include others who also loved my mom in a bestowal of goodwill and divine blessing. I don’t know if there is any physical effect of a priesthood blessing, but I believe there is a psychological effect, which may be magnified when the receiver understands the love of those giving it. On the other hand, I can see no harm in including people who don’t “hold the priesthood” in the act of laying hands for a blessing. At the very worst, they won’t be channeling divine power, but they would not hinder the channeling of the the person who does hold the priesthood, if God really loves the person being blessed.

I also find it beautiful to have a woman participating in the blessing of another woman. In the early church, women ministered among other women, giving blessings and comfort as only women can do for one another. The only place where this idea is carried on now is in the temple, where women perform the initiation rites on other women in exactly the same manner the men are served by other men.

Grandpa

I heard this week that my grandpa is on his way out. I lived with him for 14 years. All three of my kids were born while we lived in his basement. We went to the same ward, my kids had baths in his bathroom, he let me have half the garden. He’s old, and he has lived longer than he expected. I’m pretty sure he believes he will be reunited with my grandma. If nothing else, I’m glad for his belief, I’m glad that he has that comfort.

Loud may the sound of hope ring till all doubt departs.

Hmmmm…

I just posted the conclusion to my husband’s talk on grace two seconds ago. I then went into my stats page, and one of the phrases someone used that led them to my blog was this:

“LDS snotty self-righteous brats” 

I don’t know whether to be flattered or flabbergasted. What can possibly be the motivation behind making that sort of search? Although, admittedly, I am LDS, I am a bit snotty, I’m self righteous at times, though I try to weed that out where I can, and I’m most definitely a brat. So the omniscient Google sent them to the right place!

Saved by Grace, pt. 3

 See Part 1 and Part 2 of my husband’s talk on grace.

Grace is worthy of hyperbole and is glorious

There’s a tendency in the church when teaching a lesson or giving a talk to emphasize how important certain aspects of the lesson are. For example, in the Melchezidek priesthood manual under the topic of reverence it says, “It would appear that reverence for God and his name is one of the most important qualities we can develop.” And, of course, if you define reverence broadly enough this could be true. The fact of the matter is, is that grace really is one of the most important parts of the gospel. Can you think of gospel topics that really are more central to our salvation than the Atonement of Christ? I cannot. Grace is worthy of being at the forefront of our belief system. It is worthy of the hyperbole, the grandiose statements of its important. Because without it, we really will drown.

Referencing back to my statement about my knee-jerk reaction to changing the topic from grace to works, I note that the emphasis on works exists because it’s what we have control over. But from the point of view of salvation, those works play a very tiny, practically inconsequential role when compared to the magnitude of the grace given by Christ. After all, “there [is] no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ.” (Mosiah 3:17) Christ’s role in your salvation is greater than yours will ever be. Christ’s role in the gospel and his grace is of paramount importance. His grace is glorious.

Conclusion

In conclusion, grace is unmerited divine assistance and in relation to our salvation can be equated to the Atonement. We accept that Grace through repentance and taking upon us the name of Christ which is all that we can do.

Finally, I would like to corroborate Nephi’s words with those of Moroni’s: “Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.”

“And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.” (Moroni 10:32–33.)

Saved by Grace, pt. 2

How do we receive grace?

Grace can be thought of as a gift or favor. A gift has no value if unreceived. Christ has laid down his life and paid for our sins, now He is waiting for us to receive that act into our lives. For grace to be effective in our lives, we must accept it.

Consider the following example (Randall D. Hughes, “God’s Saving Grace” ). You receive a check for a large sum of money. The check has no value to you until it is cashed. You didn’t earn the check, it was freely given, but to put it to good use, you must first cash the check to make it effective. Christ already wrote a check for your sins. You can receive it and cash it if you like, but the check is there and is given freely.

Perhaps a more relevant example is that of a drowning man who cannot reach the shore through his own actions (Christoffel Golden Jr., “Words of the Early Apostles: Grace,” Ensign, Oct 2003, 48–52). A lifeline can be extended to him, but unless he grasps onto the line he cannot make it effective in his survival. We are all drowning in the waters of sin. Under no circumstances can we extricate ourselves under our own actions or power. Christ has reached out the hand of his salvation and waits for us to grab on. He waits for us to receive his grace. We don’t earn his help by attempting to swim, he offers his hand freely. In like manner, grace is not earned, but our acceptance of it is necessary for salvation. That acceptance is based in repentance, but can also be thought of in terms of the first principles of the gospel: faith, repentance, baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost.

The belief in grace brings happiness

The Atonement and, indeed, all grace is given through the love of our Heavenly Father. It brings great joy to me to contemplate that despite my shortcomings and overall wretchedness, Christ loves me and stands ready to forgive me. This is a principle of the gospel that brings peace and joy to my life and is the core of my belief in God.

A French philosopher named Pascal argued for the belief in God in what is called Pascal’s Wager. Consider that a man may believe in God or not. Let us examine the four possible scenarios in which this man may find himself: 1) he believes and God and, in truth, God does exist; 2) he believes in God, but in reality there is none; 3) he does not believe in God, but God does exist; and 4) he does not believe in God and, in fact, there is none. Each situation has a payoff or reward. When a man believes in God, it doesn’t matter whether he is right or wrong, since at the end of the day, either he is correct and is exalted or he is incorrect and it doesn’t matter since he’s dead. The man who doesn’t believe in God, however, when he finds that there is, in fact, a God and having rejected the truth will have a lot of explaining to do.

Pascal argues that the dominant strategy is to believe in God whether or not He exists. One criticism of Pascal’s argument is that the two choices are not equal in effort; that is, it requires much more of a man if he is to believe in God. I would argue that that is true, but also that the effort required to believe and follow God pays off in this life. For instance, my belief in, and testimony of, the Atonement of Christ brings hope and joy to me. The act of striving to follow Christ blesses my family, my community and in a small way, the entire world. Therefore, the benefit of the joy and peace that believing in the Atonement bring me outweigh the effort it takes to accept Christ in this mortal life right now irrespective of whether there actually is a God.

I don’t mean this to sound as if I don’t believe in God – I firmly do. But any doubts that I have about the gospel or the church can be minimized by remembering the happiness I receive when I think on the Atonement of Christ and try to apply it to my life and behavior. Living by the teachings of Christ and knowing that he will forgive you is the best way to live a happy life.

 

Saved by Grace, pt. 1

The next few posts  will be parts of my husband’s talk on grace, given on February 17, 2008. I’m posting it in pieces because it is long. I loved the conclusions he made.

Grace: A Necessity

Introduction

The topic for my talk today is grace. Now, if you are like me, the first thing that comes to mind is “Works! Faith without works is dead! You can’t be saved without effort!” I want you to suppress those “greenie missionary” thoughts and really contemplate on the role of grace in LDS theology. This is a talk, so no one is going to argue with me and I certainly don’t need to defend Mormon doctrine to any of you, so I feel comfortable in saying, as Nephi does, that “it is by grace that we are saved.”

The full verse of Nephi’s proclamation is found in 2 Nephi 25:23 and reads, “For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

This is a weighty verse since there are key words with multiple meanings and connotations. So as not to be paralyzed by semantic arguments, let’s define some of these phrases carefully.

Dallin H. Oaks, in a talk 10 years ago, gave 6 different definitions for the salvation while addressing the question of being saved. Without going to that level of detail, I wish to put forth working definitions for ‘grace’, ‘saved’, and the phrase ‘all we can do’.

From Bible Dictionary we read, “The main idea of the word [grace] is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.” A standard dictionary gives the following definition, “a favor rendered by one who need not do so; unmerited divine assistance.” Finally, one LDS author wrote “Grace is God’s love in action. It is his doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.” (“I Have a Question,” Ensign, Jul 1989, 59–61)

So, in the simplest terms, grace is simply help from God. Of course, the greatest help that any of us can receive is forgiveness of our sins through the Atonement of Christ. This is the grace that Nephi is talking about – the unmerited favor from Christ, given through love, that allows you and me to overcome sin and become clean to stand before our Father in Heaven, that is, to be saved. In some sense, Grace (with a capital G) is the Atonement of Christ. This falls in line nicely with King Benjamin’s words “that salvation [is only] through the atoning blood of Christ.” (Mosiah 3:1

One appealing aspect of this definition of grace is the inclusion of idea of grace being unmerited. We do not earn it, we don’t even deserve it. Christ gives it freely. Quoting Lehi, “salvation is free” (2 Ne 2:4), that is to say, Christ freely paid for our sins and satisfied the demands of justice. Again we see that the Grace of God is most important when equated with Christ’s sacrifice in our behalf. Revisiting Nephi’s words “it is by grace that we are saved”, we can interpret this as “through Christ’s atonement we are saved.”

As I mentioned earlier, Dallin H. Oaks outlined six different definitions of salvation. For this verse, I think we can say that when Nephi talks of being saved, he means exalted in the Celestial kingdom.

The trickiest part of the words of Nephi deal with the final phrase “after all we can do.” I say tricky because some could argue that “saved by grace, after all we can do” qualifies grace to be earned and we just said that grace is unmerited. However, the qualification is not on grace, but rather on salvation. Salvation is obtained only by the combination of grace (i.e. the Atonement) and “all we can do.”

So what is “all we can do?” As I pondered this question it seemed that no one could look back at his or her life and say “I did all that I could do.” Even limiting the discussion to just this morning, could you say with certainty that you did all you could do? Couldn’t you have spent a little more effort in prayer or been a little more patient with a family member? Clearly, even fulfilling our own potential, let alone being perfect, is impossible. So “all we can do” must mean something else. I propose that all that we really can do in relation to our salvation is repent. What more can you do? True repentance is the act of pleading for the grace of God while trying to follow the path of Christ. It is my firm belief that all we can do is repent.

Examining Nephi’s words once more “it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” can be interpreted as “salvation is obtained through the Atonement of Christ if we are willing to accept that Atonement and repent.”

To recap, grace is unmerited divine assistance, the best of example of which is the Atonement. We can return to live with God only through his grace which we accept by following the teachings of Christ and practicing repentance.