I told him

I had a big long talk with my sweet lover yesterday, and found out some pretty interesting things that I didn’t know about him. And by interesting, I mean revelatory.

I have been struggling with my faith for almost a year and a half. It had gotten to the point on Saturday, that I absolutely could not sleep. I lay in bed the entire night with my mind racing, with a frenetic fear that my husband would be sorry he ever married me when he found out what I had become. I cried and cried, tried to call my mom, and ended up praying for a long, long time.

On Sunday, I was head-achy, felt weird from no sleep, and was afraid to talk. I pretended there wasn’t really anything wrong, and we went to church. I had to play the organ, so I didn’t really pay attention to anything else, because I get pretty nervous. I made it through all three meetings. I took the family home and went house hunting by myself for 3 hours, which helped me mentally, since I didn’t have to think about anything God-related the whole time.

When I got home, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I told my husband (I haven’t thought of a good hymn-related blogonym for him yet) that I was having issues much bigger that I had let on. He asked me about them, and said I was afraid to tell him. He said, “You should never be afraid to tell me anything.”

So it came spilling out, in small portions and large ones. I cried, I beat around the bush, I watched carefully for signs of disappointment, anger, or fear. There was only contemplation, and seeming understanding. At one point, he asked if I wanted to stop attending church for a while, to figure out what I believe. I couldn’t believe he was serious.

We kept at it, even after the kids were asleep, even hours past our bedtime. He asked very specific questions and tried to understand what, exactly, I did believe, what I didn’t, and why I cared. This part was surprising to me, knowing that he married a person he thought believed the same way he did. And Mormons are notorious for needing that reassurance from their spouse.

The conversation took an unexpected turn when, after talking about church members being excommunicated for their writings on “heretical” subjects, we discussed the notion of DNA evidence suggesting the American Indians are definitely not descended from the Hebrews, as is believed by many a Mormon. He said it just isn’t so. I asked, “well, so what about Lehi and Nephi coming over from Jerusalem?”

He answered, “That’s a story.”

My mouth hanging open, I asked if he did not believe the Book of Mormon to be the literal truth. He said people don’t really believe that. He told me that the messages are what is important. The teachings are there to help us be better people, just like how the stories in the Bible aren’t true, but can help us be more Christian. I wondered what church he belongs to.

In the course of our continued conversation, I discovered that the man I married believes, nay feels, that there is a God, and that he is in the right church that will help him become a better person, and more suitable for the heaven that he hopes for, which is not comprised of only Mormons. He believes in the principles taught in the scriptures, through weird stories. He believes God created the earth by starting with a primordial soup, moving on to apes, and waiting for the right size and shape before adding the soul. He thinks the part about Eve being brought later is weird, and possibly irrelevant.

He thinks the temple ceremony is weird, but less weird than it used to be. But it doesn’t bother him, since it’s just a way of identifying with his tribe. He thinks the Word of Wisdom is good health advice, for the most part. He thinks there are way too many callings that are only given to men, with no logical reason to not give them to a woman. But he doesn’t think a man should ever be the Young Women’s president.

I’m so happy. I’m so giddy with excitement. I don’t have to be scared, or worried, or sad, or think I’m crazy, which undoubtedly I am, at least a little. How on Earth did I find this person? How is it possible that he is even more fantastic than I thought he was when we got married?

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~ by woundedhart on September 11, 2007.

8 Responses to “I told him”

  1. That’s just spectacularly AWESOME! I’m so happy for you!

  2. Wow. What a relief. I had some of the same experiences with my wife. When I finally told her that I was having issues with the Church, she told me that she could tell. We were able to talk through some of the issues, and even though she feels differently about a few things, she did tell me that she has always had problems with certain things in the church.

    Its nice to know that you don’t have to hide things from your spouse and you can discuss things freely without worrying if they will look down on you and wonder about your relationship. If anything, my relationship with my wife had improved.

    Congratulations.

    /paranoidfr33k

  3. WOW! I feel exactly the same way! My dear husband is exactly the same way. It is reassuring to know that others are thinking the same things or going through the same things as I am and have such great spouses in their lives to support them. We had the same talk, and I will always remember it as a special moment between us- Ironic since I was so scared to bring it up in the first place.

    Its amazing how most people who are “converts” to the church totally understand the whole concept of accepting others and not judging and making sure you know what you believe. I agree with you that people are so quick to judge and tell others what is “right” they forget the spirit of the gospel all together of treating eachother kindly.

    Thanks! /Four Girls/

  4. I am in almost the exact same boat as you. I am hoping to find a place where Mom’s who are in the limbo as us can meet and chat. Do you know of any place for to chat (like a website or forum) Most forums I have seen are deep thinking, antimormon, or long time exmormon. I just have so many questions especially pertaining to raising my kids and if and how much church to expose them to. Anyways sorry to ramble.
    Shell Mommy to 3 with one on the way.

  5. That is great that you can talk to your dh about this!

  6. I found this to be very moving. What a beautiful relationship you have with your husband . . . and what a thoughtful and compassionate conversation you had with him. You’re both extremely lucky.

  7. How wonderful for you to have this experience. It gives me hope, that I ought to try the same thing…almost.

  8. I just came across your site and found your words very reassuring. I have had the same struggles too and having a very supportive husband does make all the differences in the world. That’s so great for you and I wish you well with your journey!

    Michelle, I saw that no one’s reply to your post yet. Even though I’m not a mother yet (we’ve been trying for 4 years), I have been reading and finding http://www.mormonmommywars.com/ to be enjoyable and I just thought it might be a great place for you to start. I think they can help you there or have an idea where to redirect you.

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