Junior High

I’m feeling a little self-conscious here, kind of like the nerdy girl in junior high that has no friends and doesn’t really know how to make them. She is not very good at sports, so the sporty girls don’t like her. She isn’t rich enough to have the popular crowd back her up, especially since she dresses in purely thrift-store findings. She’s not into radio or popular music, so all the different groups don’t really relate to her in any way. She has conversations with people in class, only to feel ignored the next day. She is constantly wondering if she said something wrong, if she offended someone with some idiot thing that came out of her mouth when she was trying to sound erudite.

I am way too self-involved. Blogging seems like such an indulgence of my selfishness. I only ever talk about myself, even in comments on other blogs. I think I might do that in regular conversation, too. I just noticed this a few days ago, so now I’m wallowing in self-pity, wondering how to fix it. But I can only think about the dumb stuff I do and say, which seems counterproductive. I’ve even thought about deleting my blog, but that seems like the juvenile faked suicide attempt, just to see if anyone notices. I’d love to not care, but I’ve been that poor nerd girl all my life. I guess I haven’t really left junior high. I don’t know why I think I need to feel important.

The other day, I dropped off a bunch of clothes to a homeless shelter. After I got the stuff out of the trunk, the man said, “Thank you. God bless you.” Then I told him that wasn’t all, that there was more in the front seat. I got out a huge box and gave it to him. He said, “The Lord will truly bless you. You must know Him.”

“I wish.”

All I want is to get my faith back and have a few people to share it with.

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~ by woundedhart on February 11, 2008.

7 Responses to “Junior High”

  1. It’s normal to feel that way. Don’t worry about it if your blog comments are about yourself — that’s the whole point of blogging! 😉

    Hope you’re doing okay!

  2. If you were the nerdy girl in junior high, I would totally be the nerdy boy who never talked to you but would have wanted to, if not for his speech impediment and headgear. Everyone feels awkward, unpopular, ugly, and self-indulged at times. Only rarely do we have the guts to admit it.

    I really enjoy what you write, and the way you write it. You are both self-aware and self-absorbed, which is in my estimation an admirable combination.

  3. I love you!!!
    Chanson is right, everyone blogs about themselves. Isn’t ungie’s comment awesome? You seem to have some good friends here in the underworld.

  4. Yeah, I think we are all trying to escape our Junior High Selves (see my take on that topic here: http://exponentblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/nurturing-your-inner-beehive.html

    That said, I’d notice if this blog disappeared — and sharing experiences/reading other people’s thoughts is my favorite part of this blogging world!

  5. Chanson, thanks! I am OK, in the sense that nothing is terribly wrong, and the sun is shining. Trite, but true.

    Ungewiss, I love your analogy. Why is it so hard to believe that other people are insecure too?

    BiV, I’m all aflutter. You’re right, and I can’t believe it.

    Deborah, I loved the post. I really do need to leave that girl behind. Ah, but how?

  6. I have four boys, one in college, one in high school, one in jr high and one in elementary, so I’m pretty down with what’s going on and I’d just like to let you know that nerds are COOL! Everyone wants to be one. Enjoy your nerdiness, because that makes you cool!

  7. I just stumbled upon your blog and thought I’d leave a comment to this post. My wife and I don’t keep the most tidy home. About the best that it seems to get is the quick 10 minute pick up on a Sunday afternoon before the home teachers arrive. As pathetic as it sounds, I usually get some satisfaction when I visit another family in the ward whose home is even more unkempt than ours.

    As much as we try not to, I think we all at times compare ourselves to others. But we tend to compare our worst with their best, so we can never win. It’s similar to the tendency of thinking how perfect others lives are, when really we have little idea of what their struggles are.

    Anyway, if it helps you feel any better, take a look at my blog. I’ve read blogs for a year or two now and even make a couple of comments here and there, so I thought creating my own blog would be fun and easy. It was easy to start, but I still haven’t had time to post much. With so many blogs out there, I never expected much activity with mine, but deep down, I was hoping that someone would comment and that my blog would become a way for me to share some thoughts while learning from others’ perspectives. I haven’t spent much time on it, but let’s just say it hasn’t quite been what I had hoped it would be. So, take a peek, and perhaps you’ll realize what a great blog you have.

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